Things they never taught me at deportment school

1. How to walk elegantly down a hallway into a crowded doctor's surgery carrying a specimen jar of my own urine.
2. How to arise from a doctor's bed (note: without the doctor in it) in a graceful manner when my trousers are 'just slipped down over your hips, thanks.'
3. How to announce my weight, which is edging perilously close to triple figures, in a confident manner to nurse across aforementioned crowded waiting room.