Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Cold feet

My first day at my new job.

Have I made a mistake?

I've come home from work - I'm lonely in J&V's big queenslander in the 'burbs. Where's my girl? Where's my house and all my stuff? For this job, I have to spend 3 days a week in Brisvegas. I have to be at work by 9am, I have to be dressed in nice city clothes...I don't know whether I'm cut out for the city thing any more.

Still, a regular income will be nice. Freelancing is such a tenterhook existence. I'm looking forward to clearing my debt and buying myself a car, so having this job for six months will take me back to neutral.

And of course we need to be in a good financial position if we are going to take up an expensive hobby like having a baby...

(mind you it is costing us so much just to get pregnant, I think the baby will be cheap in comparison. Apparently a newborn adds about $45 a week to one's living's when they start growing, demanding luxuries like solid food that they get costly)

And the job itself is important, not important in a corner-office-and-ocean-view sense, important to improving the situation of some people in dire straits, so...

I did enjoy arriving in the city this morning, buzz of people, Big Issue vendor on the corner, proper city things like that

Also of course I don't know if I can do it...Jake (boss, very nice & funny, gayboy, old student leftie so we know some uni stories in common) keeps spouting jargon and citing statistics and rattling off who is in what position at what level of government, what their backgrounds are, what their politics are, which steering committees and advisory committees people are on...all stuff I need to know but my brain doesn't work like that any more. Although I'm sure I can retrain it.

Also I am feeling VERY ANXIOUS about my conference presentation which is 2 weeks from today. My research project is crap, I know that and I'm trying to figure out how to hide that fact when I get up to do a 20-minute spiel about it. I think I will be exposed as a fraud and a shyster.

I lost my car keys last night, spent a whole hour looking for them at 9.30 last night (because I had to leave the house at 6am this morning). Finally Lovergirl took pity on me and found them on the roof of the car.

Life feels very frantic at the moment. I wonder if I write it down will that make it seem more manageable?

Easter: work on conference paper, also paint new banisters etc.
Next week work
Next weekend - FREE! but we will be back in Brisbane as Lovergirl is teaching...will I come up with her or stay in the bush house?
Go down to Melbourne on the Monday night. Tuesday night - Friday conference
then when I come back I have to work on the training I am running for the local drug & alcohol service.

aargh- this isn't helping - I will stop listing everything I have to do now

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