This is a slightly extended response to a post on
another blog about the ways mothers judge other mothers. Undomestic Goddess called for mothers to be non-judgmental and just accept that different ways of parenting are right for different people.
Something about this doesn't sit right with me. Much as I hate people judging my parenting, it's okay that they do. I claim the right to be partial. I parent the way I parent because I think it's better - I do. Otherwise, obviously, I'd parent a different way. That moral relativity - 'we need to value everyone's choices /lifestyles equally' - doesn't work for me.
'Judgment' is a loaded word, but think of it as 'the courage of your convictions'. We make judgments when we weigh up the choices and decide in favour of one. Sometimes other people won't like those choices.
Part of being strong women is having the capacity to deal with disapproval. And we need to have the courage to disapprove. Of injustice, of child abuse. Yes, we are all doing the best we can with what we've got, but sometimes the best we can do is crap. Obviously Undomestic Goddess isn't talking about child abuse. She's talking about the smaller decisions we make, the kinds of decisions that we are told are personal choice. It's okay to feel passionate about our choices.
I think there is a fantasy that because we all have a common experience (having children), we can sit around in a mutual circle of unconditional positive regard. That would be like turning off my brain.
I put a lot of thought into the way I parent. I'm open to new ideas (sometimes), but not all ideas are good ideas. Some simply aren't good for me(I'm not a routine person, so naps and feeds at set times is never going to work in our house), and some just aren't good ideas (babies under six months should not be left to cry - there's lots of research linking infant distress to impaired neurotransmitter development, and none to indicate the baby will be 'spoiled' by repeated comforting).
So, the judgments are okay. The grey area is when it's okay to comment. When I think it's abusive, that's straightforward. I might be pretty mild - I said to a woman (an evangelical Christian, as it happened - apparently the fundies have much higher rates of corporal punishment of children) when she was talking about smacking her child (making him lie over the bed and count) 'I don't believe in hitting other people.' I was pretty unemotional about it, and I knew it would have absolutely no effect, but I couldn't just let it pass. She was relating the story so proudly. Hopefully, gradually, she will understand that it's not socially acceptable - but I doubt it. But there a hundred smaller, daily choices that together make up the sort of parents we are and the sort of people our children will become. I don't comment on the breastfeeding/ bottlefeeding thing, although I think people give dumb reasons for giving up - 'My partner felt left out,' I've heard twice now. But what do I care if my baby is 6.7 IQ points higher than theirs?I saw a woman feeding her very new baby in the parents room - she had the bottle propped up in its pram while she read a magazine. She didn't talk to it or touch it or make eye contact the whole time. I felt deeply sad for that baby and wondered if the mother had depression. I'm sure she was making the best choice she could at the time - she wasn't shaking the baby - but I would not pretend that method of feeding is as good as an extended cuddle with a bottle.
So there, I am judgmental.
To me, asking us not to have opinions about how other people parent is like saying, 'mothering doesn't matter - you can do it any old way.'
