How to make a business phone call

1. You have to wait until both twins are relatively calm to begin with.

2. Put one twin in their cot and wind up the mechanical mobile as far as possible, to give yourself every available millisecond. Unfortunately the mobile will spin quite fast, and the music will play an oddly discordant version of its assigned tune; it sounds a bit like one of those horror carnival scenes, just before the madly grinning clown pops up and terrifies us all.

3. Move to other end of house. Discordant mobile tunes are unprofessional.

4. Put second twin on breast.

5. Make phone call. Don't spend too long on the small talk. Don't fall asleep from the oxytocin rush.