smoke & burning oil

I blew up my car yesterday. How annoying- $4000 worth of annoying. I wasn't attached to the car and it wasnt a particularly good car but it was a car and now what am i to do? It's hard living out in the hills without a car.

It's my own fault, I checked the water in the morning and then didn't put the cap back on tightly enough. So all the water had evaporated by the time we had done the 150 km from the North Coast to the top of the Gold Coast.

Of course I had Mum with me. i'd invited her with me as I am training on the Sunshine Coast for two days, so i thought she would like to hang out in the hotel and laze about on the beach while I worked. We left early so we could have a nice afternoon on the beach before I start work today. Instead we spent three hours at Yatala Service station drinking cups of tea and waiting for the RACQ (twice) and then the tow truck.

Anyway we've hired the tiniest little Toyota Echo which is fine although it feels a bit scary and unsafe on the freeway, like I am in - I was going to say a tonka truck but they are pretty sturdy - more like a billy cart. Not my big tank with its bull bar.

The mechanic had said it was only going to last another year before the motor gave out and the body was incredibly rusted so I haven't shortened its life by very much...it's just annoying and inconvenient and expensive and how am I going to get around?

Anyway I try and think useful non-stressful things like 'the universe made it happen because otherwise I would have been in the worng place ten kilometres down the road and been involved in a horrendous car accident'. Three hours and $4000 isn't much when I look at it like that.

Having Mum with me is good. it's nice to have company while I'm training. Otherwise I'm just eating out at restaurants alone and sitting in my hotel room watching pay tv. mum's really excited with the hotel room on the Sunshine Coast. We've got a very nice apartment that I upgraded us from a motel room, erky. I hate staying in motels. They are like boarding houses for second-class travellers. i much prefer a cheap hotel to a featureless cheap motel. This apartment has 2 bedrooms and a kitchen and balcony and big white leather lounge chairs and a glimpse of the ocean between the two high rises in front. Mum's been ringing everyone saying 'ooh we are staying in a lovely apartment' although to me she said 'well I still like camping'. She's so funny, I think she does it to convince herself she's happy with less but I take it as an insult to what I've organised. I need to be less sensitive around her, stop expecting her to say everything perfectly. She's fine and has a lot of good qualites - she just has those normal 'mum things' that mothers do...when i'm a mother I'm sure I'll learn all about them.

Lovergirl has made an appointment with a super expensive naturopath in Sydney for fertility stuff. the naturopath sounds very knowledgeable and I want to go too. Lovergirl says she wants us to both work together on her as a project, not her go off and do her fertility thngs and me go off and do my fertility things. I think that is very good and sensible BUT...you know about the buts. Mainly it's just me panicking, time is running out. I want to go NOW because if it is going to take a long time I want to be working on it.

I'm angry and resentful I know, because before we started I had this sense of urgency and Lovergirl would say 'we've got heaps of time, i know people who get pregnant at 42, we'll get pregnant easily, we are healthy' and so on. and now it is taking a long time and it is hard work and I am becoming this obsessed boring person who only ever talks about pregnancy.

Why is it important? what is it about wanting to have a family? It's not sensible - we're going to be poor, and tired, and very bored a lot of the time. It must just be biological clock. There is no other explanation.