Sunday, March 18, 2007


I feel bad about the last post, but reluctant to remove it. It's hard to know the right tone to strike with blogs. My favourite blogs are sassy comments on the minutiae of daily life, while there's a swag of people doing great stuff with political and cultural comment. There's not much point me adding my two bobs' worth of uninformed opinion. The only thing I'm an expert on (apart from psych0s0c1al rehab1l1tat10n pr1nc1ples and pract1ce and rec0very from l0ng-term m*ntal 1llness, a subject dull enough to stop the liveliest dinner party) is me, unfortunately; and having just moved from Byron where no fleeting emotion is too personal to go unplumbed I probably err on the side of self-disclosure. So I know, from the rousing chorus of silence (so different in quality from the usual silence of loving approval), that every single person who has read this entry since I posted it two days ago (I'm referring to both of you), thinks I'm a horrible, stone-hearted eugenicist and if I live a cold lonely barren life in poverty it will only be my just desserts.

I had a second conversation with my brother yesterday. He's sounding more positive, planning to stay home and look after the baby while Mandy goes to work. 'I just don't know why God would do this to me,' he said. 'But I'll just do the best I can'.

A good slogan for us all to live by, I suppose.


Anonymous said...

Speaking of the etiquette of blogs, I never know whether it's less polite to comment on the blog of someone I don't know, or to read someone's blog every now and then without ever saying hello! But in this case I feel obliged to comment.

I don't think your post was horrible at all. I think those feelings are perfectly normal and the fact that you feel bad about them shows you are a sensitive, well adjusted person who just happens to be human.

Infertility is incredibly difficult and it's hard enough to deal with a friend or relative who has succeeded quickly even when they desperately want the baby and will be great parents. When it's an accident and they're ambivalent it's heart wrenching. I am sure that when the baby is born you will love him or her as a person separate from how he or she came to be, and then it won't be so tough on you. In the mean time I wish you peace and strength.


elsewhere said...

When I went to read your last post, I expected something mcuh worse...not sure what you're worrying about, it's not that bad! I think we value your honest voice anyway. And I think we women worry too much about other people's opinions.

Yes, hard to know what tone to strike with blog posts often. I think my posts have become more cautious and less honest as my audience has grown.

Good luck with film school -- how exciting! RE: those blondes -- I had the same thoughts in Sydney. Also all those women going to work with bare tanned legs -- where do they come from?

ThirdCat said...

I just thought 'well, I don't blame you for feeling a bit deflated'. Not even a fleeting image of you as eugenicist.

And re tone of blogs - blogging is weird. And, like elsewhere, I'm pretty sure the tone of mine has changed (and is currently changing).

But I like it here.

Mikhela said...

I appreciate your very supportive comments, thank you. I think, Elsewhere, you are right - I know I do far too much worrying about what people think, and what I am *supposed* to think. It's good to hear your warnings about the changing tone of blogs too. Having a small backwater blog is good although I need to keep in mind whether I'll be happy with people stumbling across it when I'm a bigwig producer!

By the way Anonymous, it is ALWAYS a joy when someone sticks their head up and says 'hi'. And I felt much more peaceful having someone acknowledge my feelings as normal.

Mel said...

Just read the blogs. Couldn't believe after telling you how much I missed your regular blogging I didn't read them!
Damn it, know what you mean. I didn't think that it was horrible at all. I love the way your blog has , at times painful, honest emotion. It is one of the things I like about it. It helps me feel conected to you from far away. Keep it up girl!